Keeping It Real // I Don’t Want Six-Pack Abs #InfertilitySucks
I don’t want six-pack abs. I want a big round belly that is growing a life.
There I said it. If it’s on the Internet, it must be real now, right? #infertilitysucks
I choose to share about my health and fitness journey online, because I want others to know that they are not alone. Not everyone struggles with weight loss or understands how difficult it can be to put on muscle, so I choose to share about my struggles. I enjoy sharing my journey publicly, and I absolutely respect those who choose to keep their journey more private. I know I have chosen to keep certain aspects of my life private.
That brings me to the topic at hand—infertility.
My husband and I have been trying to grow our family for a while now. Long enough that the fact we have not been successful is starting to break me down. This is National Infertility Awareness Week, and seeing others bravely tell their #infertilitysucks stories has made me want to tell mine [and also maybe so I won’t throat punch the next person who asks me when we are having babies or assumes that because I am drinking water I must be pregnant.] [Side note, if I ever said these things to you who have struggled, I am sincerely sorry. I was ignorant.]
There are a number of reasons why I haven’t shared this part of my journey. The biggest reason is that I feel like I am not qualified to share a story about infertility.
I have always been one of the people who believed if you want something and work hard enough, then you will be successful. Maybe I am failing because I haven’t worked hard enough to get pregnant. It took a lot for me to type that sentence –I’ve typed it and deleted it several times now–but please hear me out. I do not have a clinical diagnosis of “infertility”. I have not yet undergone IVF or any type of medical treatments. My husband and I still enjoy having sex (#sorrynotsorry), and it hasn’t turned into a “chore” as I have read about in so many #infertilitysucks articles. I mean seriously, I have so much respect for all of you who are in the middle of all of this! In truth, I have been too scared to find out if we do have an official medical infertility diagnosis. Ignorance is bliss.
I have tried to take the approach of “just relax it will happen when it is meant to be” as so many people have told me to do. I removed myself from the high stress-inducing job I once had. I have prayed and believed when my time comes it will be perfect. I have followed calendars, tried over-the-counter aids, eaten certain foods or refrained from others. Exercised more, exercised less, increased my calorie in-take and gained weight. I honestly was relieved when I found out about my hypothyroidism, because it could explain our inability to get pregnant.
I try to remain optimistic, so much so that I almost canceled our free cruise because I was convinced I would be pregnant by then and with the Zika virus in the area I didn’t want to take any risks. Luckily I didn’t cancel. As the oldest of my siblings and cousins, I have felt the (self-induced) pressure of being one of the only ones without kids. My younger sisters were fortunate to be able to conceive without difficult, so surely I should have that genetic luck too, right? But then again, I will be 35 this year. I took genetics as an undergraduate. I try not worry, but I am less optimistic now than when we started (or maybe today I am just in a funk).
Some days I am convinced everyone I know is having kids (thank you Facebook), so surely there must be something in the water, and I am definitely drinking the water! I know that many of my friends and family have had their own struggles, and even those who have been blessed without struggles, I am TRULY ELATED for them! I really want to stress how sincerely happy I am for all of you that I know who are pregnant or just had little ones. Honestly! When I “ooo and ahhh” over your little one, it is not an act. I am instantly in love with those tiny round faces, and my heart explodes with happiness for you.
I choose to share this part of my journey with you. I ask that you please be kind.
I look forward to the day “it will be our turn” to have kids, by whatever means we decide. I chose today to share our story, because maybe there is someone else out there who feels the same way we do. Know that you are not alone. We are exploring options and “trying harder” while also trying to find that balance of relaxation and faith. It isn’t easy, but it is our story.
#infertilitysucks #keepingitreal #hypothyroidism