Today I made an appointment with a fertility specialist.

Be still. Psalms 46:10

Today I made an appointment with a fertility specialist.

Please forgive this jumbled, random mess as I vent my thoughys.

We have been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years now. We have taken the,  “It will happen when it happens” approach. We have calculated and made it a chore. I have been afraid I haven’t tried hard enough, long enough, done enough. I feel inadequate. I feel like maybe God is saying I am not ready. I’m 35 and I feel old.

This past week I met with a friend who was able to conceive with the help of a local fertility clinic. She gave the contact information. I have been too scared to do anything with it. I cannot really explain why. Just terrified. There is a lot of family stress at the moment, and it is playing a part, but mostly I am scared of what I will learn. Each month I have a glimmer of hope. What if that goes away?

I have cried to my dear, sweet friends. I am grateful to have them in my life. I am grateful for my husband, even if he doesn’t seem to feel the same desperate pain that I feel. Maybe he does and he is just putting on a strong face. Maybe he is scared too. Maybe is also afraid perhaps we are not ready.

Today I filled out the online form. I was told it could take months to get an appointment. Maybe by then I will feel better.

Then they called. My appointment is less than two weeks away. It is just a meeting. We won’t know anything yet. I am nervous. Maybe a little bit relieved I finally made a different step in what I hope is the right direction.

I don’t know if I will share this just yet. If you stumble upon it, please be kind. For now I remind myself to just be still.

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